Schism

I often say that the only ones who cause schism are the ones willing to leave.

I have attempted to leave. Around 2000 through 2003, I made some attempts to leave the church. I never really lost my faith (although it changed quite a lot), but I really wanted to just not deal with the church. We can be such a backward, superstitious people. I say that with a sense of confession. I can be such a backward and superstitious person. Rather than look at what we're learning through science and asking, "what does this tell us about God?" we want to reject it and say, "that must be wrong, since I believe God works this way."

Among other things.

There's lots of talk of schism. In my seminary days, I spent a lot of time learning about other faith traditions and how ecumenical dialog was carried on. I believed the greatest scandal of the church was it's many divisions. As such, places such as the Roman Catholic Church and the Eastern Orthodox had much appeal to me.

I no longer find unity to be all that precious, neither do I find it so simply by looking at the ancient churches. Unity is nice. I would hope we might find common ground and mission. I don't know---I honestly do not know---how much I value it at this moment.

If the ELCA passes measures to start exploring rites for same-sex coupling, if they start down the road to ordaining GLBT folk, I will be very happy. Some will be very angry and leave the ELCA. This hurts. This tells me that my full participation in the church is such a terrible thing that some people can not abide in the same body as me, fully participating.

If the ELCA does not pass these measures---I will be the angry one. What is a rational response to being told over and over "you're not good enough"? What is a faithful response to knowing that, for probably another generation, the church will maintain a second-class status for people simply because when they fall in love, they fall in love with people of their own gender? What does my conscience tell me is faithful, loving action when I see another generation of young people raised in an environment where, if they discover they are having crushes on the "wrong" people, they have to offer that information with fear (or at best, uncertainty), where they are encrouaged to keep this part of their life so closely guarded and secret---especially if they hear God calling them to serve the church?

This is unhealthy territory. I've been asked by good, gay Christian friends and acquaintances why I've stayed with the ELCA this long. They have seen in me the wear I carry from not feeling free to explore fully vocational options in the church (and I don't want to be a pastor---I think that's fairly well explored). My life at 45, underemployed (in a job I like quite a lot, but still, really, hardly uses my best, fullest abilities), feeling terribly unrooted even after being in one place for over 5 years (which is an adult record for me), never having had a significant relationship (beyond some very good friendships) . . . these are results, I think, of not feeling worthy. My lifelong devotion to the church---I was the kid who asked to go to church, the one who begged we not skip a Sunday---was met in adulthood by the knowledge that I am disordered, I am a divisive element, I am one of "those people" that wants to tear apart the church.

So, that's more personal than I like to get.

But the thing remains. Schism looks likely, no matter what happens this year at Churchwide Assembly. Schism is caused by the ones who leave (at least insofar as the ELCA doesn't have a real strong record for excommunication). So who will cause it? The ones who are angry because "those people" are now accepted into the clergy? Or the ones who are told they are not worthy to fully participate in the life of the church?

I believe there must be a third way, but I do not know what it is. I believe it will require changing of hearts and minds. Metanoia. I do not know how it works. It's something of God. Mysterious. Hard to grasp but all around us.