Lacking

I find myself completely lacking for words today (or tonight). I just got the latest issue of the Lutheran out of the mailbox after work tonight and read the one-page story on the proposal that will go to the Churchwide Assembly this summer, and it's not moving me. Does a post stating I have nothing to post about count for keeping the lenten discipline?

Here. Here's what I'll post. I've said earlier that spending this blogging time everyday takes me to some darker places that I like to think I've left behind. Reading the Lutheran article, especially that the committee constructing the document couldn't come to any kind of consensus, and that the tentative document that they gave us basically says, "well, if we're going to do this, this is the first step, but we're not sure we should take it" . . . along with my ongoing lack of understanding of how we can spend so much time on so few verses that barely address our current understanding of sexuality while glossing over text after text about wealth . . . along with hearing the story from my co-worker the other day (see previous post) . . . I feel a bit numb.

It's nights like this that I wonder why I bother with the church at all. Mind you, I tried leaving the church. Sort of. For a few weeks here and there. I joke that my baptism seems to have taken an especially tight hold upon me that I keep getting called back to the church. Or else I enjoy being the center of negative attention. I'm at peace with God. You'd think that would be enough. But it's God who is doing the calling, nudging me back to church when I've tried to leave. God wants me in the church, as near as I can tell, but it feels too often like all I am to the church is a problem. That's more melodramatic than I like to be, but I'll let it stand.

I'm tired, and this is too much typing for having nothing to say. Nothing new, anyway. Maybe tomorrow will be more substantive.